Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
