please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
