The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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