hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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