I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
