Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
