As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
