Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
