I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
