Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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