By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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