Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
