I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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