Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
