Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
