my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
