im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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