I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
