i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
