Jerry, you need to find god
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
