I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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