dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
