puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
