this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
