Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
