I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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