ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
