On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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