Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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