so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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