come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
