He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
