I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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