There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize