We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
