Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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