this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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