I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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