he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize