theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
