So drunk its hurt
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
