I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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