It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
