I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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