We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
