I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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