I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize