Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
