my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
