If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
