Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
