I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Pants are for mortals
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
