Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
they call him Oral-B. enough said
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize