I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize