If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
