He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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